Donut, the Bumbling Spectre
by Marioninja1
Summary: The story of Donut Shepard, a foolish man who survives for no reason at all. It's confusing to summarize, so just read and review it.
1. Chapter 1

I'm just going to explain a little about what this is before we get to the story. Donut is a clumsy idiot who survives against the odds by being foolish. This is a changed and embellished version of Mass Effect 2's story, and I have gone so far in changing it as to even remove some missions and add character dialogue (but I try to keep in character.) You may hate this, or you may like it, but here is the crazy story of Donut Shepard.

"What the hell is going on?" I yelled, the Normandy blowing up around him.

"Shepard! Joker's still piloting the ship, and he won't leave. I'm not leaving either." Ashley said. How the hell did I know her name? Part of the Normandy-how did I know what this place was?-blew up and she fell over on me.

"I'll go get him. You stay and help the crew." I said. I remembered my life-I was a spacer and a war hero, I saved Wrex and left Kaidan, and I fell in love with Ash-but I didn't live any of that, but I did. Pondering this, I ran to the front of the ship, where Joker would be-how did I know that? I walked through part of the ship that had the ceiling missing, looking at a glowing planet. I would've admired the beauty, but I was busy trying not to die.

"Joker! We need to go!" I yelled.

"No, I can still save her." Joker said.

"Going down with the ship won't change anything. She's lost." I said.

"...Okay." Joker said, and I grabbed his arm a little too hard -how did I know his disease?- the bone cracking. "Watch the arm!" He yelled. I put him in an escape pod and the unidentified ship shot the Normandy again, making me float in the air. "Shepard!" Joker yelled as I floated away. I hit the button to shoot his pod off and was spaced. I looked around, then felt the air leave my helmet. I attacked the empty space around me, trying to stop the invisible killer, but failed. I felt the life leave my body as I floated away.

I'm Donut Shepard, the Bumbling Spectre. I'm a pale, gaunt man with pale-blonde hair, blue eyes, and black facial hair. I just died.

"He's waking up!" Some ugly bald dude said. A hot woman walked over to me, keeping my hands down.

"Don't try moving. Give him more anesthetic." She said in an Australian accent.

"You are very pretty." I said before being unable to work my body.

"He's an odd guy, isn't he?" The ugly bald guy said.

"He killed Sovereign, a Reaper. He could kill you if you insult him." Miranda said.

"I'll keep that in mind." The bald guy said.

"Wake up!" Miranda yelled.

"You just told me to go to sleep." I said.

"I'm Miranda, and we're under attack." Miranda said, and the station shook, making me fall onto the floor and right onto my bottom. "Get a pistol and some armor from the holder." Miranda said, and I ran over and got them.

"There's no heat sink! What am I going to do, beat them with it? Do you want me to die again?" I asked, freaking out. Suddenly, the door across the room blew up. "And things are blowing up? Wonderful!" I said, running through the smoke and taking the ammo off of the dead guy. "Eww...dead-guy slime." I hopped over a barrier, and a mech shot at me. I got behind cover and blew it's head off.

"Good job. Hurry to the shuttles." Miranda said. I ran past the destroyed mech and into a room. "Take cover. More mechs are closing in on you." Miranda said as several mechs walked into the room and took shots at me. I felt time slow down as I shot every mech in the head.

"Damn, did you give me upgrades? I don't remember kicking this much ass before." I said. I technically didn't remember doing anything before. Whenever I thought back it was just like watching an extremely immersive movie: you went along for the ride, but didn't do any of it. I ran through a hallway, watched a giant mech cream some Cerberus workers, and ran into a dead body, slipping on his blood and landing right beside the grenade launcher.

"Pick up the launcher and destroy the mechs that are coming over to you." Miranda said. Why was she being so freaking obvious? I did as she said, and followed her orders to take the elevator down. I ran through fire at her orders (feeling very much like a beta-male) and began to worry about her when her newest orders were cut out by static.

"Miranda?" I asked, keeping up a brisk pace. "If you die I'll have to do obvious things on my own. I can't handle that!" I walked into a room and saw a African-American man shooting mechs. I ran up to him, destroyed the mechs shooting at us, and began a very calm conversation.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHERE AM I?" I yelled, taking the Cerberus workers by the shoulders and shaking him about.

"I'm Jacob, and I work-worked-here." Jacob said, pulling my hands off of him.

"Are you with the sexy Australian?" I asked.

"I work with Miranda, yes." Jacob said.

"Lucky." I muttered.

"Not like that." Jacob said right before mechs shot at us. "Listen, I'm a biotic. Just tell me to use Pull."

"Right...use it, like, now." I said. He used it on a mech, making it float over to me. I shot every other mech with him, and the floating mech flew right over to me and fell right on my toe. I began to jump around and Jacob just looked at me and shook his head.

"How did you destroy Sovereign?" Jacob asked.

"Just wait for my notorious foolish charms to start working." I said. Jacob just chuckled and walked to the door.

"Lead the way, 'foolish charms'." Jacob said, but someone started talking on the radio.

"Jacob, I'm trying to turn off the mechs. Come help me." He said.

"Hey! The ugly bald guy." I said.

"His name's Wilson." Jacob said.

"Right. He doesn't look like a Wilson. He looks more like a...what does he look like?" I asked.

"A bald ugly guy?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah. Not that he'd live through High School with a name like that." I said, walking through a room full of red light and shooting two mechs in the head nonchalantly.

"How did you do that?" Jacob asked.

"Great thing about guns. You pull a trigger, and things die if you use them correctly." I said, walking towards bald ugly guy.

"Help, I got shot!" Wilson yelled.

I fixed up bald ugly guy with medi-gel, and he began to start talking crap about Miranda.

"Dude, shut up. Miranda's my friend." I said.

"Why?" Bald ugly guy asked.

"Did _you_ wake me up and give me a gun? I don't think so." I said. Bald and ugly guy looked at Jacob.

"I don't know why he acts like that, but he can use a gun better than most people can." Jacob said.

"Eh, Wilson? Could you use Overload on these crates?" I asked him.

"How did you know I could use Overload?" He asked, blowing up the crates.

"Because you can't hold your own in a fight." I joked. Wilson just looked at me angrily. "Sorry, jeez." I said. We went through a room, killing mechs and arguing, and when we finally got to the shuttles the door was locked.

While Wilson worked on the door, he said. "I wish you stayed-"

The door opened and Miranda, in all her Australian beauty, looked at Wilson, took out her pistol, and shot him. "Dead?"

"What the hell, Miranda?" Jacob asked.

"He betrayed us." Miranda said. I'd jumped back after she shot Wilson and was trying not to freak out.

"Can you, like, not shoot people?" I asked.

"This is the glorious Shepard?" Miranda asked. "Why is your first name 'Donut?'"

"That's the least weird thing about this guy. He can kill people, then get his toe stubbed and cry about it. It's annoying and amazing at the same time." Jacob said.

"In his file it did mention certain...oddities. Like his so-called 'foolish charms." Miranda said.

I rubbed my goatee. "You had a report on that?" I asked.

"Yes. Let's go, if you have no more questions." Miranda said.

"I have a huge one right now: why do all my memories seem fake?" I asked.

"It might be because we remade you from a bloody pile of meat." Jacob said.

"Even on the Normandy it was like that." I said.

"We can't help you there. Now, let's go." Miranda said.


	2. Chapter 2

"Shepard, it's good to see you awake. How are you doing?" The Illusive Man asked.

"Except the bullet wounds, the headache, and my new life as one of the zombie horde? Pretty good." I said, running my hand through my pale-blonde crew-cut.

"You're probably wondering why I brought you back. Human colonies have been disappearing, and I want you to find out why. The most recent human colony to have everyone abducted is your first mission." The Illusive Man said. "Jacob and Miranda are your team now."

"I really just want to get this crap over with, so can I just go to the colony, say 'oh my, there are no humans left!', then go back to the Alliance?" I asked. The Illusive Man gave me a look that said 'I brought you back and I can kill you again.' I sighed. "I hope you get cancer and die."

"Is this snow or ash?" I asked. "If this is dead-guy ash I'm going to have a freak-out."

"Maybe you should've thought about that before you got the flakes on your tongue." Jacob said. I walked into the diner and there were plates of food.

"Looks like everyone just got up and left in the middle of dinner." Jacob said.

"Why?" I asked. We walked out the back door of the diner and took cover as mechs shot at us. "Who is buying all these damn mechs?" I yelled, shooting at the mechs. We walked forward about three feet and-sure enough-there were more mechs. We killed those mechs and walked forward, opening the door to a group of Quarians. They drew their guns, and a female Quarian jumped between us.

"Tali?" I asked.

"Shepard? Is that...you were dead!" Tali said.

"Cerberus rebuilt me. I guess the savior of the galaxy can't even die without someone needing my help." I said. "Why are you here?"

"A quarian on his pilgrimage, Veetor, was here." Tali said. Man, she was way cuter than I remembered, and the environment suit made her body look even better.

"He's unstable." Another quarian said.

"We'll help you find him." I said.

"Why so eager?" Miranda asked.

"Uh...he could know what happened to the colonist. Yeah, that's it." I said. We went our own way, killing mechs, until we heard that Tali's group betrayed her.

"Maybe you should shoot them in the neck, Miranda." I said.

"I won't have to." Miranda said, running to cover. Behind me, a giant mech was slaughtering the quarian team. My jaw dropped, but I recovered from the shock and I ran to cover. "This is going to one tough son of a bitch to take down." Miranda said, using overload. I felt time slow down as I ran from crate to crate, shooting the mech in the head with my assault rifle. It fell down and blew up, the explosion knocking me on my back.

"I bet that looked really cool before I fell down." I said, and coughed as I breathed in the smoke. Jacob helped me up, and we took some materials from the boxes and off a dead mech that was in a broken heap near a building. I opened the door, and a quarian was looking at several monitors. "Veetor?" I asked.

"They can't find me...the bugs won't get me." Veetor muttered.

"He can't hear you." Jacob said. I used my omni-tool to turn off the monitors, and Veetor stood up.

"The bugs took the people away." Veetor said.

"What bugs?" I asked, and Veetor turned on a video. It showed bugs flying around everywhere, and giant bugs taking people away in pods. I started scratching my neck and face, freaked out that giant bugs existed.

"The collectors?" Miranda said.

"Those giant bugs are the collectors? We are freaking screwed." I said.

"Veetor, you're okay!" Tali said, running into the room.

"Yep." I said. "So, what now?"

"We're going to give him to Cerberus. We need to learn more about what happened." Miranda said.

"Veetor needs medical attention. I'll give you anything I find." Tali said.

"I have to choose, don't I? Crap...Tali, take him back to the Flotilla." I said.

"But Commander, how do we know she won't betray us like her squad did?" Miranda asked.

"She was with me when I fought the Reapers, not to mention that squad got slaughtered by that mech, so I wouldn't think anyone would want to follow those footsteps." I said.

"Thank you, Commander. It's nice to see you are the one giving orders." Tali said.

"For better or worse." I muttered.

"I read the report, Shepard. It confirmed my suspicions, but, given our history, giving the quarian back was a surprising olive." The Illusive Man said.

"I'm full of surprises. The fact I'm still alive is a big one, Normandy explosion or no." I said.

"I trust you want to destroy the collectors now?" The Illusive Man asked.

I shrugged. "Nobody else will."

"I have a list of people for your team, the best and brightest in the galaxy." The Illusive Man said.

"Cool. I'll get straight on it." I said.

"I've also got you a new ship and a pilot, the best there is. Someone you can trust." The Illusive Man said, disconnecting the line.

"Hey Shepard." Joker said.

A giant, brand-new Normandy was in front of me.

"Damn. Cerberus does it big, don't they?" I said.

"Yeah. Just like the SR-1, but better. Where are we going first?" Joker asked.

"I...got no clue. Let's just get on the ship first." I said.

"No clue? Well, it worked last time." Joker said.

"Right, where do you think we should go first?" I asked Miranda and Jacob.

"We should get Professor Solus first." Miranda said.

"That is the most reasonable course of action." A calm voice said from above me, and then a holograph appeared behind me. "I am EDI, the A.I. of the Normandy."

"If you say 'I can't do that Dave', I'm freaking out of here." I said.

"Duly noted, Dave." EDI said.


	3. Chapter 3

I was listening to old music on my omni-tool. It was a song called 'Sex on Fire' when Joker announced we had made it to Omega. As soon as we got off the ship a salarian started talking, and a batarian walked up and pretty much told him to piss off.

"Aria wants to see you." The batarian said.

"When?" I asked.

"Right now." The batarian said.

"Cold as freakin' ice, man." I muttered, walking to Afterlife. The music was very techno, the beat making my pulse raise as I walked up the stairs to see Aria. As soon as I got near her the guards pulled guns on me and began to scan me. "Why are you scanning me? I got, like, eighty guns on me that are extremely easy to see."

"Can't be too careful with dead Spectres. That could be anyone wearing your face." Aria said.

"Do you own Omega?" I asked.

Aria chuckled. "Omega had no titled ruler and only one rule: don't f*ck with Aria."

"Riiiiight....I'll remember that." I said.

"You'd better, or someone will remind you." Aria said.

"And then I'll throw your dumb ass out the airlock." A batarian guard said.

"Dude, you are creepy as hell." I said. Aria motioned for me to sit, and as I did I made sure my back was never exposed to the guard.

"What do you want?" Aria asked.

"I want to know where Archangel and Mordin is." I said.

"Down there, they are recruiting people to kill Archangel." Aria said, nodding her head towards it. "They'll accept you. Mordin is in the quarantine zone."

"Thanks. Soo...are you ruler of Omega?" I asked.

"I am the CEO, boss, or queen, if you're feeling dramatic." Aria said.

"Right, I have a feeling Archangel is going to die if we don't hurry. See 'ya, queen Aria." I said, waving.

"We're here for Archangel." I said. The guy who was telling us where to go said a whole bunch of crap I didn't even try to pay attention to, but I had the feeling we were going to get to help Archangel. When we were leaving a kid walked in.

"This the place to sign up?" He asked.

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Old enough." The kid said. "I bought this pistol for fifty cred-"

I cut him off by taking the pistol and removing the ammo. "You're not Dirty freaking Harry. You'll thank me later." I said. My dad was a old music and old vid buff, showing me Dirty Harry as soon as I turned old enough (fourteen), and telling me all about old music when I was growing up.

"Who's Dirty Harry?" Miranda asked.

"It's from an old vid. Let's go save Archangel." I said.

We soon saw how bad Archangel had it by seeing all the mercenaries that were hired. I sabotaged the robot they had (well, tried to, then Miranda sabotaged it), and when I was talking to this Sergeant guy I zapped him with this electric-cattle-prod thing, feeling like a badass doing it. We joined up with the other freelancers, shooting them in the back almost immediately. When my team got up to Archangel he signaled for us to wait. He shot a Blue Suns in the head and turned towards us, taking his helmet off.

"Garrus!" I yelled, running at him and giving him a hug.

"He still acts like this? Even after he died?" Garrus asked.

"We were told not to change his personality." Miranda said.

"Sorry. We need your help on a mission. Of the suicidal variety, unfortunately." I said.

"Is there any other kind around you? I'll help, but I need to get out of here first." Garrus said.

"Does it involve killing mechs while you stay up here, safe and sound?" I asked. After a moment of silence I said "Knew it. Jacob, you stay up here and cover him."

"You sure this is a good idea?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah. The girls love Garrus, and if I left Miranda up here she'd be too busy swooning over him to help." I joked. "What do we do?"

"Close the shutters, Shepard. I'll be easy. All you have to do is hold off the thousands of freakin' mercs while I steal the girls and score headshots!" I said, punching the button to close the last shutter while shooting at those varren that kept running through it. Right before the shutter closed Garrus said "I can hear you, Shepard."

"Oh no, I think the mercs are getting in through the door. Better go stop them." I said, pretending that I actually heard them. Of course, when I got there that's exactly what they were doing, and I had to get tackled by a krogan and dislocate my shoulder. I struggled up the stairs, Garrus waiting for me.

"I think that's all of them. Now we just need to go through the Blue Suns, and-" Garrus began.

"That is not what I think it is, is it?" I asked. The attach chopper pulled up to the window, shooting at Garrus with machine guns before shooting a rocket at him, destroying some of his armor. My team took down the chopper, and we ran to Garrus. "Joker, get the Normandy ready."

"Why isn't your shoulder hurting?" Miranda asked. I shrugged, then the pain started again. Miranda sighed. "Ready the Normandy for two. Shepard dislocated his shoulder, then shrugged."

"Hey, Doctor Chakwa- damn that hurts!" I yelled. Doctor Chakwas walked up to me, and didn't even say what she was going to do before her hand shot out and popped my shoulder back into place.

"Good to see you too, Shepard. Garrus, though hurt, is stable." Doctor Chakwas said, right before Garrus walked in.

"How bad is it? Nobody would give me a mirror." Garrus said.

"The girls will just love you more now. They really go for the emo 'look at the scar that humanizes me' guys." I said.

"Frankly, I'm surprised you weren't the one that was blown up." Garrus said.

"I think we all are." Doctor Chakwas said.

"I resent that." I said. "Now, to save Professor Solus. This is going to be a long mission."


	4. Chapter 4

"What the hell!" I screamed.

"They're burning bodies, trying to stop the spread of the plague." Miranda said.

"But now the sickness is in the air! The air!" I yelled.

"Heat gets rid of sicknesses." Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Maybe so, but I don't hop into fires if I sneeze." I said. "Let's just get to the doctor." On the way, we killed Blue Suns mercs and met a dying batarian.

"Damn you...damn..." The batarian said.

"No, don't die. It's a pain in the ass, trust me." I said. "The medi-gel won't heal you, but it might help. I'm going to go to a Professor Solus, and I'll get him to send somebody to you."

"Thanks human." The batarian said.

"Uh, Mordin Solus?" I asked.

"Who are you? Refugees? No, too well armed. Blue Suns? No, freelan-" Mordin began.

"No, I'm Shepard. We're here to recruit you." I said.

"What for?" Mordin asked.

"A mission to stop the collectors from abducting human colonies." I said. "It's a suicide mission, supposedly."

"I will help, if you cure the plague." Mordin said.

"Yeeeah, I can't do that. I mean, I could try, but handing out aspirin isn't a very good cure, and I doubt if you have that much aspirin." I said.

"No, you need to put the cure in the air. I have the cure." Mordin said.

"I understand what you mean." Miranda said.

"Without you, we would get nowhere." I said.  
"I know." Miranda said.

"What is that sound? They are shutting down the-" Mordin began, but I cut him off.

"Did they turn off the air? Like in that old sci-fi vid? I have a feeling that everyone's life hinges on me again, doesn't it?" I asked.

"Yes." Miranda said.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, looking up at the sky. "Anyways, let's go save us some people."

Miranda had turned the air on, and soon we were back on the Normandy. I was listening to more old music when we arrived at Purgatory.

"Miranda, Garrus, come on." I said through the intercom. "See Jacob, play nice and you get to come along with me on my glorious adventures." We walked about three feet into Purgatory when people pulled guns on us and asked for our weapons. "I'm not giving you my gun."

"Stand down. I am Warden Kuril, and I own this ship. You will need to relinquish your weapons, Shepard." Kuril said.

"I'm not giving you my freakin' gun." I said. Kuril tried to stare me down, but I won. "You blinked." I said, then heard Miranda sigh.

"Whatever. Let's just get you Jack." Kuril said.

"Cool. So, how strong is Jack?" I asked.

"You don't know? She's evil. Wants to either have sex with everyone she sees or kill them. Maybe even both." Kuril said.

"So, would you say it was a 50-50 shot? I can bring up, like, two other guys if it helps my chances." I said.

"You are an idiot." Kuril said.

"I've been told." I said.

"Just go to your right. You'll get Jack there." Kuril said. We did as he said, and when we opened up the door it was a prison cell. "Sorry Shepard. You're worth more to me as a prisoner than a customer." Kuril said over the intercom.

"Your chances of survival just dropped." I said, then took cover as a whole bunch of Blue Suns mercs ran into the room. We took them all down and continued on our way to Jack. We walked up to a panel.

"This will release the other prisoners, but it's the only way to release Jack." Garrus said.

"Why tell me that? Now I'll be guilt-ridden for the rest of my-oops, I accidently pressed all the keys to release her. It's an accident though, so it's all good." I said. The cryo-pod lifted up and a small woman covered in tattoos (and very little else) was in restraints. She quickly broke out and destroyed three giant mechs.

"You can close your jaw now." Garrus said.

"Sorry, just an...uh, _admirable_ use of combat skills blew my mind." I said.

"And the fact she was clad in only leather and tattoos had nothing else to do with it?" Miranda asked.

"Why no, not at all. Why, did you notice?" I said, then thought about what it would mean if she did.

"Uh, Commander. There is a lady here." Garrus nudged me in the ribs.

"Huh? Oh, damn...let's go get Jack before she kills everyone." I said, and I wiped the slobber from my mouth and rushed ahead of my team. We followed a giant path of destruction, barely facing any enemies.

"Why didn't we just get Jack first? I mean, besides the fact she would kill us all, she's a great fighter." I said.

"Because a great fighter can't stop thousands of bugs from paralyzing us." Miranda said.

"Debatable." I said.

"Not really." Garrus said.

"Switching sides on me? I thought it was bros before hoes!...not that Miranda is a hoe. She is a very lovely lady. Miranda, did you know how lovely a lady you are?" I said. Before Miranda could answer Blue Suns mercenaries shot at us, forcing us to kill them, take down the shields that protected Kuril, and then kill him. On our way to the ship, I saw Jack take down some guards like it was nobody's business, then freak out when she was the Cerberus Insignia on our ship. A guard was going to attack her, but I shot him in the head before he touched her.

"Who are you?" Jack asked.

"Um, I am." struggling to look at your face, I thought. "Commander Shepard. I need you for a mission that may or may not end with all of us dying." I said.

"Show me the archives." Jack said.

"Okay, as long as you work for me." I said. I got the feeling she didn't like Cerberus.

"Shepard, you can't do that." Miranda said.

"Ooh, it hurts the Cheerleader's feelings. If you didn't ogle me so much I might not want to kill you." Jack said.

"Really?" I asked.

"No. F*ck you." Jack said.

"Let's just go." I said.


	5. Chapter 5

"Why do you keep coming to my office to talk to me?" Miranda asked me. "First, you seemingly come to ask me about Cerberus, and now our talks are more personal."

"Maybe I just like talking to you. I mean, Jacob hates me, Garrus turned all moody, and Jack is...well, Jack." I said.

"Or are you trying to get me into bed? I am immune to your 'foolish charms', Shepard." Miranda said.

"Are you sure? You haven't tried killing me yet. 'Course, we've proven that doesn't work, haven't we?" I said,

"Actually, _Cerberus_ proved that _they_ could bring someone back." Miranda said.

"Same difference." I said. "Call me an optimist, but I think that this 'suicide mission' stuff is all just a huge overstatement."

"An optimist is what a pessimist calls an idiot." Miranda said.

"You know, one of my old crew said something like that to me. It was a lot less 'bash Shepard' and a lot more 'pessimism isn't that bad.'" I said.

"And who said this?" Miranda asked.

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams." I said.

"A friend?" Miranda asked.

"Didn't you have two years to find all this out?" I asked.

"We could never find out what happened between you and the crew on the Normandy, other than the missions you were on." Miranda admitted.

"Me and Ash were close. I can't find out what she's doing, though." I said.

"We're getting close to Okeer." Joker said over the intercom.

"That's our cue." I said, getting up from the couch and walking off.

"Tuchanka, eh? It's...what's the word for it?" I asked.

"Terrible?" Garrus said.

"It works." I said. We'd shot our way through guards, and when I opened the door an asari started talking to me.

"I'm Rana." Was the only words I really remembered.

"From Virmire?" I asked.

"Yes. Can I leave? This place is going to blow up, if you're going to follow your precedents." Rana said.

"If I find a bomb, I probably will blow this place up. You'd use your third chance wisely." I said.

"You are going to regret that." Garrus chuckled.

"Probably." I shrugged. We walked forward, and found Okeer. He was blabbering about the krogan in the tank, and then sent us to run an errand so he'd save the krogan.

"You know, for an Alliance legend, N7 graduate, and former-Spectre, I do stuff for people a lot." I said, right before more people shot at us. We took the girl and krogans out quickly, but the mechs made took a little longer. Apparently, the girl put poison in the air where Okeer was, and when we made it there he was dying.

"Thank you...if I knew why the collectors were abducting human colonies I would tell you." Okeer said.

"Well...that's one less person for the team." I said.

"What about the tank? That krogan is a pure krogan. He's probably a vicious fighter." Garrus said.

I shrugged. "Having a krogan can't be any more dangerous than having Jack onboard. Normandy, you'd better get some guys to haul this thing in. He's freakin' huge."

"The things I do to save the galaxy." I said as the tank opened. The krogan fell to the floor, coughing that fluid up. His eyes focused, and as soon as he saw me he charged. He slammed me against a crate.

"I'm going to kill you, but first I need a name." He said.

"I'm Commander Donut Shepard, but most people call me 'Doug', or just 'Shepard.' Donut's a terrible name, I know, but my parents were all like 'look at this cute baby! He's as sweet as a donut!' Life was hell in High School, let me-" I said quickly, but the krogan cut me off. "No, not your life story, _my_ name." The krogan said. "I like Grunt."

"That sound badass, better than Donut. So...wanna join my crew?" I asked.

"Why?" Grunt asked.

"Because it's going to be a huge, epic fight that will have many smaller, less epic but still violent fights." I said.

"Hmph. Hmph! Sounds good. If our enemies are not worthy, I will kill you." Grunt said.

"Don't promise to kill me. It's way harder than it should be, just ask anyone who's shot at me." I said.

"Hey, Illusive Man, what's up? Am I doing good?" I said.

"We have a lead. The collectors will, most likely, be attacking a colony-Horizon-soon. I want you to go there. Does Professor Solus have his work done?" The Illusive Man said.

"I hope so." I said. I walked over to Mordin, and said "We happy?"

Mordin, at first said nothing, but a gradual smile worked its way accross his face. "We are happy, indeed."

"Commander! Snap out of it!" Garrus said, shaking me. A giant thing with a whole bunch of husk heads in it-a Praetorian, I think.

"Why don't I wear a freaking helmet?" I asked, then took out my heavy weapon-a collector particle beam- and killed the thing. "If this thing didn't make me feel like I was compensating I would use it all the time. And that limited ammo thing." I said. "Oh man, the ship's flying away! Please tell me that it didn't just take a whole bunch of people."

"No! Lilith was on that!" A colonist dude we met earlier said.

"Don't blame yourself: you did more than most would, Shepard." Garrus said.

"Shepard? Aren't you some kind of Alliance hero?" The colonist guy said.

"He's a god, back from the dead." Ash said, walking from behind crates. She sounded like she was about to cry.

"Of course, all the good guys are taken and you are left behind." The guy said.

"Ash!" I yelled, running over and giving her a giant hug. "How have you been?"

"Two years and you act like nothing happened?" Ashley said. "And what are these rumors you're working for Cerberus?"

"I've been dead for two years, and I am working for Cerberus, technically." I said.

"You're going against all we stood for! I was no fan of aliens, but you taught me that we're all equal, then you join a pro-human terrorist group? What is wrong with you, Shepard?" Ash said.

"Ash, you know me. Would I do the wrong thing? Every time I was confronted with choices, I always did the best option." I said.

"I don't know anymore, Shepard. I need to go." Ash said, walking away.

"Get us the hell out of here." I said.


	6. Chapter 6

"Do you want to talk about what happened on Horizon?" Kelly asked.

"Okay." I said, taking a seat. We were in the mess, taking a small break.

"Were you close to Ashley Williams?" Kelly asked.

"Closer than I've been to any other friend I ever had without me tripping and hurting them. I did trip on her on Illos, though. A bullet flew right where her head was. Not that I noticed; I was too busy looking into her eyes." I said.

"You weren't friends: you were romantically attached." Kelly said.

"Try being 'romantically attached' in the Alliance. We had to go out of our way hiding our feelings. I couldn't even look on the side of the room she was on, or else I'd start eyeing her up. It was terrible! And then the ship blew up, but those two months before were worse than dying. And then, two years later, I finally see her again just so she can break up with me." I said.

"Why did you follow through with your feelings if you knew the rules against fraternization were going to come back?" Kelly asked.

"Love is love, and a couple rules and regulations weren't going to keep us down. Oddly enough, though, I'm a Spectre, who has no rules, and we...y'know...on a stolen ship, flying towards our deaths on Illos." I said. "Yet, then the Alliance freaks out when I ask about the rules. Life is never simple." I said.

"Aren't you and Miranda close?" Kelly asked.

"I'd like to be closer, but she's the 'ice queen', as Wilson said. Not to mention I make a fool of myself in front of her. I wonder what she thought when I have Ash a hug on Horizon." I thought aloud.

"Ask her." Kelly said.

"I truly think that is the worst thing to do." I said. "'Hey Miranda, you know that Ashley girl on Horizon? I loved her, but she broke up with me, so wanna pick up the pieces and do me?'"

"This may shock you, but I am a woman, and I do know what women want." Kelly said.

"I know, but Miranda is different than any other woman I've ever met. I can't explain why, but...I just want to know more about her, good or not." I said. "Crap, we have to get to Illium. I'll go set the course...and maybe I will follow your advice." I decided.

"Good on you, Commander." Kelly said.

"Commander, I am in the unfortunate position of asking for your help." Miranda said. "My sister, Oriana, is in danger of being found out by my father. There's...something I didn't tell you. Though Oriana is my twin sister, she was born when I was a teenager. I need your help."

"Well, as soon as we land on Illium, we _will_ do this, I promise." I said.

"Thank you Shepard." Miranda said. When we got to Illium, we did exactly as I said we would, but Miranda was worrying about her friend's-Niket-loyalty. We had killed many Blue Suns, and we were in an elevator when she forced it to go faster.

"Whoa, Miranda, calm down. It's all going to be okay." I said.

"How do you know? The evidence points to Niket being a traitor." Miranda said.

"You know Niket, Miranda. Would he betray you?" I asked.

"I don't know, Commander." Miranda said just as the elevator opened and we saw Niket talking up an asari wearing Blue Suns armor. Miranda took out her pistol, but I stopped her from shooting him.

"Don't. This might not be what it looks like." I said.

"Niket, what the hell is this?" Miranda yelled.

"Miri, when I helped you escape from your father, I didn't know you were going to steal a child." Niket said.

"I rescued her!" Miranda yelled. The asari shot Niket and tried shooting us, but I was too quick and unloaded a whole clip into her, then the rest of the group finished off the other soldiers. We went to see Oriana, watching her see her family.

"Safe and sound. Does she even know what happened?" I asked.

"Probably not. Let's go." Miranda said.

"Don't you want to talk to her?" I asked.

"It's too dangerous." Miranda said.

"You don't even have to tell her who you are, or what you do. If you don't, you'll regret it." I said.

"You...you're right." Miranda said, and walked over to Oriana. When we left, Miranda and Oriana looked at each other, a tear falling down Miranda's face.

"Thank you Shepard." Miranda said back on the SR-2.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"Happy and sad at the same time. I can't believe Niket betrayed me." Miranda said. "Do you believe he had good reasons?"

"I believe he believed he had good reasons." I said.

"Shepard, give me a yes or no answer." Miranda said.

"No. He wanted to help her out by leaving her with a monster." I said. Miranda thought about that for a little while.

"Are you just being agreeable?" Miranda asked.

"No." I said, standing up and moving behind Miranda.

"Why are you so close?" Miranda asked.

"I don't really know." I said, just now noticing I was standing up. "Maybe I just wanted to look at something beautiful."

"The stars are quite beautiful, aren't they?" Miranda asked.

"I'm not looking at the stars." I said. Miranda turned to look at me, her arms crossed loosely in front of her.

"For a bumbling idiot, you are a charmer." Miranda said.

I smiled. "Apparently you're not immune to my foolish charms after all." I said, moving a little closer to Miranda.

"I guess not." Miranda said, moving closer until there was almost no space between us. We both stood there, until Miranda said. "If only there wasn't a mission. I believe you have work to do, Shepard."

"Ah...crap. Talk to you later?" I asked.

"Hopefully." Miranda said. I walked out the door, this time not falling over my feet like I usually did. I looked at the dossiers, and a name seemed to shoot from the page at me.

"Tali?" I asked, shocked. "Guess that decides that." I said. I knew where I was going to go, at least. It was more than I usually knew.


	7. Chapter 7

Instead of going to where Tali was, I decided to do a personal favor for Jacob. We'd ended up putting his dad in prison, and now Jacob was talking to the Illusive Man.

"If you didn't send it, who did?" Jacob asked.

"I did." Miranda said.

"Why?" Jacob asked.

"I made a promise to you, and I keep my promises." Miranda said. The Illusive Man closed out the comm channel, and Miranda left Jacob and I alone.

"Did you see that coming?" I asked.

"No. Miranda keeps her promises, but I don't know what promise she means. She...requires a better man than I. Apparently, she just chose you." Jacob chuckled.

I laughed. "So, how are you doing?"

"Pretty good, considering what my dad was doing...Thanks Commander." Jacob said.

"Anytime." I smiled.

"So, this is the planet Tali's on?" I asked, stepping into the sun and beginning to burn. "Ow! Damn it!" I said, jumping into shade.

"Stay in the shade!" Garrus said. I stood and walked a little bit, until geth showed up.

"Old times, eh?" I asked Garrus.

"Old times." Garrus chuckled, and we both ran to cover. Garrus used a sniper rifle while Miranda used Overload, making it easier for both of us to kill the geth. After finishing off the last of them, I walked into a quarian's corpse (Literally-I tripped on him.)

"Hello?" A radio in the quarian's hand asked. I picked it up, and began to talk to the guy on the other end. "I'm Kal'Reegar. Who are you?"

"Commander Shepard. I'm looking for Tali." I answered.

"Tali? She's locked herself in a base, so the geth can't get in." Kal'Reegar said, right before there was an earthquake. A rock pillar fell in front of a door, and I just muttered "That's the door we need to get to Tali, isn't it?"

"Probably. Nothing is ever simple, is it?" Garrus asked.

"There's some explosive charges over there. Get them, so you can blow up that pillar." Kal'Reegar said. We got the charges, killed the geth, and planted the bombs.

"When will this thing blow-" I began to ask, but was interrupted when the pillar blew up and a rock the size of my fist flew right into my stomach, knocking the breath out of me. Miranda and Garrus helped me to my feet, and we walked into a room where a quarian with a rocket launcher-Kal'Reegar- was firing. We took cover behind him, and I asked him what was going on.

"Why do you have pink armor? Whatever, that colossus is blocking the way to Tali." Kal'Reegar said, right before standing up and nearly getting killed. I pulled him back down, and yelled "My armor is light-red, not pink! Stay here! We can take it out."

"You? There's no way you can!" Kal'Reegar said over an explosion.

"We have before." I said.

"It surprised us we lived, too." Garrus said, and we took off to save Tali. We killed the geth around the colossus, then took out the shields, Kal'Reegar finishing it off with his rocket launcher. We went to the door Tali was in, and whe we got there, a holograph of her helmet was asking if anyone was left.

"I am." I said.

"Shepard? You always show up at the weirdest times... Let me unlock the door." Tali said. When the door unlocked and we went through it, Tali was downloading something.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yes, but my crew is not. I hope this data was worth it." Tali said. Kal'Reegar ran into the room, and asked Tali to go back to the ship.

"I thought she was going to join my squad." I said.

"I am." Tali said.

"It's nice to have you back, Tali." I smiled, back on the Normandy.

"Why are you working for Cerberus? First, I thought you were going undercover, maybe to blow them up. If so, I will lend you a grenade, but now I see you are serious about this. Do you really trust Cerberus?" Tali asked.

"No." I answered truthfully. "Do you want to go check out the engines? We got some upgrades since last time."

"I'll get her clearance." Jacob said.

"I'm going to go patch up my suit." Tali said.

"Don't forget to say hello to the ship's AI." Jacob said. Tali stopped and looked at him.

"Dude, not cool!" I yelled. I went down to talk to Miranda, but decided to talk to Garrus first. He told me of how he found the man who killed his squad, and I told him that we would go to the Citadel and find him, and then I continued on my way to Miranda.

"How's it going?" I smiled.

"I just finished filing a report." Miranda said. "Do you remember the last conversation we had?"

"Yeah." I said.

"Do you think we're crazy?" Miranda asked.

"Me? I'm crazy, no way you didn't know that, though. You? No. You're the smartest person I know." I said.

"Are you just saying that because you love me?" Miranda asked.

"Love? Now, who said anything about love?" I asked.

"It's obvious you have feeling for me. You come around after every mission, asking me how I am and if I need help with anything." Miranda said.

"I'm also going to ask if I can call you Miri." I said.

Miranda smiled. "You can."

I smiled back. "Okay, Miri, now...what do you want to talk about?"

"Us." Miranda said. "Are we in a relationship?"

"Do you want to be?" I asked.

"Yes." Miranda said.

"And I do too. I'd say that puts us in a relationship." I said, and moved closer to Miranda. Miranda leaned over, and kissed me on the cheek.

"When we were rebuilding you from a pile of bloody organs, I never thought I'd end up falling for you." Miranda said.

"When I died, I never thought I'd come back to life and fall for the prettiest, smartest girl I've ever seen in my life." I said, and kissed Miranda.

"Commander, you'd better go talk to Grunt. He's freaking out." Joker said over the intercom.

" Of course." I frowned.

"I'd better let you get to work. We'll continue this later, Commander." Miranda said.

"Miri." I smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

"Two birds with one stone. Saving a salarian scientist and putting Grunt's head on straight. I hate Tuchanka." I muttered to myself. I was just told that there was an abandoned Reaper floating around, and I had to go onto it. Going onboard a giant, all-knowing being is a terrible damn idea, even before you add the fact that it can control your mind! En route to getting a drell assassin (I was understandably not going on that Reaper until it was completely necessary), I decided to talk to Tali. In the elevator, I turned on an old band-named 'Faunts'-and was listening to their music when the elevator opened and Tali bumped into me. I paused it and smiled.

"Hey Tali." I said.

"Oh, hey Commander. I was just going to talk to you." Tali said. "Will you follow me?" I couldn't say no to Tali, my friend (Kelly had said she wanted to be more than friends, but if so, why not say that aboard the SR-1?) Tali went to the engine, a place I usually steered clear of (dying because of breathing that weird blue fog isn't exactly how I want to go out.)

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked.

"You, actually." Tali said.

"That's a change of pace. What about me?" I asked.

"You...I, uh..." Tali began, but stopped and took a deep breath. "You saved me, a young woman, and then you, a dashing young commander, took me on an adventure across the galaxy, talking to me frequently."

I raised an eyebrow. "Do you mean that to sound like it did?"

"What did it sound like?" Tali asked.

"It sounded like you wanted to be more than friends." I said. I need to start taking Kelly seriously. The girl knows what she's talking about.

"I do." Tali said, taking a step closer to me.

"Commander, we're approaching Illium." Joker said.

"Oh my, I am duty-bound to go and suit up, leaving your question unanswered. Oh darn, my work is never done!" I said over my shoulder, trying to run as fast as possible while not looking to eager to leave. I like Tali, but not like that.

"Liara?" I asked, walking into her office.

"Have you ever faced an asari commando team? Few humans have. Do as I say, or I will flay you. With my mind" Liara said before turning to me. "Shepard." She smiled. Garrus looked at me, like 'dude, you hugged me but you won't hug her?' Truth was, I wouldn't hug her because my friend, my Liara, didn't sound like that. She didn't tell people she'd flay people with her freakin' mind.

"Hey Liara." I said after a few seconds of silence. I walked over to Liara, giving her a hug. She hugged me back, then motioned for me to sit at her desk, sitting on the opposite side.

"What do you need?" Liara asked.

"I'm looking for an assassin and a justicar. Thane and Samara." I said.

"Thane has a contract at Dantius towers, while police officers will know about Samara." Liara said.

"Thanks, and goodbye." I said, standing up to leave.

"Goodbye Shepard. Be careful." Liara said.

"That was the worst damn experience I had. I'd rather face Sovereign again." I said.

"Ditto." Garrus agreed.

We'd fought through Eclipse mercs, finally finding Samara killing an Eclipse merc.

"Damn." I muttered. Samara, not only being a ridiculously powerful biotic, was an extremely hot asari. Miranda kicked me in the shin (really hard, might I add), and I got back to business.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and I need you for a mission." I said.

"A suicide mission." Garrus said, and I nudged him in the elbow.

"She's not going anywhere." An asari policewoman said.

"Why not?" I asked.

"She just killed someone. If you can get rid of these mercs, do it, and I'll release the justicar." The policewoman said.

"The code obligates me to stay in custody for one day." Samara said.

"After that?" I asked.

"I break free, killing whoever tries to stop me." Samara said.

"You don't know about justicars?" Miranda asked when my eyes shot wide.

"No! Right, we'll get rid of the mercs, hopefully before Samara kills everyone. Let's go." I said.

"I'd use a sick day." Garrus told the policewoman.

"Ye of little faith, shut up." I said, walking off to where the Eclipse mercenaries were. Between battles, we ran into Elnora, an asari who was in Eclipse.

"She's lying." Miranda said after Elnora said she hated the Eclipse.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"She's a new recruit. The armor is brand-new, and she's very young. A good liar. Not good enough." Miranda said.

"Did you kill the volus?" I asked. Elnora just looked at my face, then Miranda's, and was going to draw her pistol, but I was quicker. "Thanks Miranda. I don't want letting a criminal go on my conscious."

"No problem, Commander." Miranda said. Later on, we stopped a drugged-up volus from getting himself killed, then stopped the Eclipse.

"We stopped them!" I shouted, walking into the police office. "Killed the murderer too, sadly. Self-defense."

"Well, that's a load off my back." The policewoman said. Samara kneeled down and said a really elegant oath, but I don't remember what it was, and we went back to the Normandy. I decided to talk to Jack, since Kelly, all-knowing secretary, said something was wrong with her (not just the normal wrong, though.)

"Hey Jack, something wrong?" I asked.

"Yes. I want to go to the base they made me in and blow it the f*ck up!" Jack yelled.

"Where is it?" I asked. Jack told me, and I promised we'd go right there.

"I want to see it blow up." Jack said.

"You will. I got to go talk to Miranda." I said.

"Do you love the cheerleader?" Jack asked, laying down on her bed.

"Why?" I asked.

"'Cuz Tali hasn't stopped thinking about you. Even asked me if you liked her. You'd better tell them what's going on, or I'm going to kill that quarian. Nobody should come down here, not even you." Jack said.

"I'll keep that in mind. Personally, I like talking to you." I smiled.

"F*ck off. I don't want friends." Jack said.

"Okay." I said, putting my hands in the air. "EDI, tell Joker to go to Pragia."


	9. Chapter 9

"That was messed up as hell." I said, laying down on Miranda's couch. We'd just been to Pragia, and I could _not_ get the memories of that place out of my head. "It was like some science lab of biotic Satan or something."

"Cerberus technically wasn't involved." Miranda said.

"I know, Miri. It was still terrible, whoever was doing it. Hell, if my own mother was doing those tests it'd still be as bad as it is." I said. "Speaking of my family, my mom sent me a message. In hindsight, I really should've told her I wasn't dead. Also, I got a message from your sister."

"I know. I do read your messages, by the way." Miranda said.

"Aww, why tell me? I liked the mystery." I smiled just as Tali walked into Miranda's office.

"Hello Tali. It is...odd seeing you up here." Miranda said as I thought if I could make it out the door. I'd have to be out of Tali's arm-length...no, she's just sidestep and get in front of me. Duck under her arm, maybe?

"I heard Shepard was here. We need to talk. All of us." Tali said, and I sat upright on the couch. Tali sat beside me on the couch, and I tensed to run but Miranda said "What is it?"

"I'm sure I don't have to be here, so-" I began, but Tali said "I need to know if Shepard likes me. The Commander got in trouble with both of the females on the ship last time, and I hope to stop the awkwardness before it begins."

Miranda turned towards me, and Tali turned towards me, so I had the feeling I was in danger.

"So, Shepard, who do you love?" Miranda asked. I really wish I told Joker that we needed to be somewhere. He seemed to interrupt me when I was kissing Miranda, why not when something bad is happening?

"Commander, we've arrived on Illium." Joker said. Thank you god, I thought.

"Oops, looks like I have an assassin to get. We can finish this later, but now-" I began.

"Sit down." Miranda said, and I slowly walked backwards to the couch.

"Right, just so we're all on the same page, can we all be friends after this?" I asked.

"Commander, we're at Illium. Are you in the bathroom? Did you fall in again?" Joker asked.

"Gimme a minute!" I yelled. "If you say we can't all be friends, I'm just going to throw down a smoke-bomb and be on my way."

"I will have no hard feelings." Tali said.

"Nor will I." Miranda said.

I sighed. "That's good. I'm sorry Tali, but..." Tali just stood up and walked off.

"Now that that's settled, I believe you have work to do?" Miranda said.

"I'll talk to Tali later." I said, walking off.

We'd finally made it to Nassana, and she had guards with guns pointed at us.

"Hey, I remember you." I said. "You tricked me into killing your space-pirate sister."

"Did you hear that?" One of the guards asked, and a drell dropped behind them, killing them all like it was an art-form.

"Damn!" I said after I could speak. Thane was praying in the middle of all of the dead bodies. "Hey, Thane, we need you for a suicide mission."

"This was to be my last mission." Thane said, and looked out the window. "I am dying, Shepard."

"That sucks." I said. "Are you poisoned?"

"No. A disease is killing me. I have a year to live." Thane said. "I will help you on your mission."

"Cool." I said.

Back on the Normandy, I was wondering about how I could console Tali while listening to the 'Arctic Monkeys', another old band, when Joker said "Your sweetheart and Jack are 'arguing.' Could you let them catfight for a bit? Maybe tape it, for your old pal?"

"Oh hell." I said, running from my cabin.

"Touch me and I will smear the walls with you, bitch!" Jack yelled, throwing a chair at Miranda. I tripped on the door, and fell right where the chair was flying, cracking my skull open. How anticlimactic. I woke up looking at Miranda, who was sitting on the side of the bed and holding my hand.

"Ow." I said.

"Jack hit you with a chair. Well, accidently hit you with a chair." Miranda said.

"How is she now?" I asked.

"I finally gave in and said Cerberus did her wrong. I don't think she believed what I said anymore than I did, but I couldn't get you out of the room with her yelling at me and blocking the way. You're very heavy for such a skinny man." Miranda said.

"That's all the muscles, Miri." I said, smiling.

"Oh really? Do you want to use some of those muscles?" Miranda smiled, getting on top of me.

"I have a feeling you want me to." I said, and noticed the windows were blocked by shutters. "You planned this didn't you?"

Miranda kissed me, and said "Yes."

"I love how smart you are." I said, kissing her back.

"Off the patient." Doctor Chakwas said, walking into the room and ruining the mood.

"I'm not that hurt. It's just a cut or two...I don't really care, actually. I could be terminal and still want to continue." I said.

"Hmm." Miranda thought, licking her lips. "I'll make sure to lock the door next time."

"Doctor, could you help me go down to the engine room? I want my head cracked open as quick as possible." I said. Doctor Chakwas was opening the shutters, and just laughed at my request. I remembered something, and snapped my fingers. "Doctor, I forgot to tell you, but I got some of that Settice Ice Brandy."

"Really?" Doctor Chakwas asked.

"It's in my cabin, though." I said. "Can I walk?"

"And get drunk, yes." Chakwas said. I got dressed and went to my cabin, coming back with the brandy.

"I'll go get the glasses." I smiled. I got drunk with Chakwas, and talked to her about her problems and why she joined Cerberus.

"Joker will always need me because of his Vroliks Syndrome." Doctor Chakwas said.

"You're a great doctor, and a friend. It's an honor to have you aboard." I smiled. "To friends!"

"There in the best of times and the worst of times!" Chakwas said, and both of us clinked our glasses together and drank.


	10. Chapter 10

"Hey Doctor Chakwas, how are you doing?" I asked.

"Good. I'm sorry if I was unprofessional. I didn't know I needed to talk to someone that much." Doctor Chakwas said.

"It's okay. Are you hung over?" I asked.

"A little." Doctor Chakwas admitted.

"I've never had a hangover in my live, actually. I even tried getting as drunk as possible to see what a hangover felt like." I smiled at the memory.

"What happened?" Doctor Chakwas asked.

"I wasted some money, got drunk, and my liver probably died." I said. "I got some work to do. Talk to you later?"

"Hopefully." Doctor Chakwas smiled.

"Got drunk enough with the Doctor last night?" Joker asked.

"Why? Was it noticeable?" I asked, going down the elevator to see Tali.

"Does the phrase 'My name is Donut, I drive the ladies nuts' ring a bell?" Joker asked.

"That is a proven fact." I laughed, leaving the elevator. I decided to see Jack, and I stood there for a minute, both of us looking at each other, Jack over her shoulder and me leaning on the wall, arms crossed.

"I'm not saying sorry." Jack said.

"Didn't expect you to." I said.

"Why do you keep coming down here?" Jack asked. "You got the cheerleader."

"I-" I began.

"You must want something. Everyone is out for something. I've been used too many times to think you're different." Jack said, standing up and pointing at me.

"What do you think I want?" I asked.

"I don't know!" Jack yelled. "Why don't you tell me?"

"I can't tell you because I don't want anything. I like you as a person, as a friend." I said.

"I'm not your friend! I don't have friends!" Jack yelled.

"What am I then? An acquaintance?" I asked, then dodged a vicious punch that would've destroyed my skull.

"You're an asshole that won't leave me alone!" Jack yelled, kicking me in the side. I grabbed her leg and was going to say something, but she brought her other leg up, hitting the side of my face. Both of us on the ground, she jumped on me and began to hit me, but only succeeded in giving me a nosebleed before I grabbed both of her hands and got on top of her.

"Calm down!" I said, holding her arms above her. Jack was taking deep breaths, very angry, but soon started crying, making her make-up flow down her face. I helped her up and sat by her on the bed, comforting her.

"I-I... I don't...I just feel so bad. This guy died for me like a f*cking idiot, just to save me." Jack sobbed.

"He wasn't an idiot. I'd give my life to save you." I said. Jack looked up at me, her eyes darting around, looking me over.

"You're serious. You're serious, you f*cking idiot. Why would you die to save me?" Jack asked.

"Because, you're my..." I began. "Are you my friend?"

"I dunno, Shepard." Jack said, burying her face in my chest. "I just don't know."

"Do you hate me?" I asked.

"Less than other people." Jack said.

"And I like you, so that makes us friends." I smiled. Jack started to fall asleep, so I eased her down into her bed. I kissed her on the head, and said "Goodnight Jack." Jack drowsily mumbled something along the lines of 'f*ck you, Shepard.'

"What was all that noise?" Gabby asked.

"Nothing." I said.

"Why is your nose bleeding and there are smears on your shirt?" Donnelly asked.

"No reason." I said. "Hey Tali."

"What happened down there Shepard?" Tali asked.

"Nothing, nothing at all." I said.

"We heard metal being hit with a tremendous force, shuffling, crying, and then you come up with make-up smears on your shirt and a bloody nose." Tali said. "What did you do with Jack?"

"Don't get perverted Tali." I sighed. "I want to talk about you, not about what I may or may not have done with Jack."

"Why do you want to talk about me?" Tali asked, walking towards the freaky blue fog engine.

"I want to see if you're still my friend or not." I said.

"Why do you care?" Tali asked.

"Because, I like you. We went through hell together, and became friends. Don't tell me that at least one part of you likes our friendship." I said.

"Part of me likes our friendship, but a bigger part of me wants to like you more than that." Tali said.

"Part of me does too, but you can't get out of your suit, and-" I said, trying to be gentle and failing.

"You don't want to date me because of my suit?!" Tali yelled.

"No, it-it-it...shit." I said, and Tali pushed me. "If I didn't like you, why would I have gone through so much for you, with you? I cleared your name and saved the galaxy with you."

"But you don't want to date me because of my suit?" Tali asked.

"No, that came out wrong. I don't want to hurt you. It nearly kills me to do this to you, it breaks my heart to break yours." I said. "No damn suit could stop me from loving you, but I never really thought that way about you because it would hurt you."

"Forget the damn suit, forget the dangers then. Who would you rather be with?" Tali asked. "Think about that, and the next time you see either Miranda, Jack, or whoever you chose, tell us. The ship is small, though, so you can't lie about it."

"Okay." I said. "See you Tali." I went back to my Cabin, to clean up. The stains wouldn't come out, so I threw it out. I took a shower, the whole time wondering who I really wanted to be with. All of the girls like me, as far as I knew. Jack was tough and not very girly, which I liked. Ashley wasn't girly either. I had been through hell and high-water with Tali, and I knew her most. Miranda had looks and my previous love for her. It would be a very tough decision. I went to my private terminal, and, of course, there was a message from Miranda asking me what the hell was going on. I also had a message from Ashley saying she was sorry for what she had said, saying she couldn't lose me again.

"Damn it Ashley." I said, leaning back in the chair. "Why the hell not tell me that before I go head over heels for others?"


	11. Chapter 11

We had just got off the Reaper IFF, using a slightly modified team (Grunt and Garrus) than usual. We'd found a geth that had a piece of N7 armor. I activated him, and he had joined our team. EDI had decided to call him Legion. Legion agreed that it fit, and now I was asking him why he had N7 armor.

"We followed where Shepard-Commander went. On Eden Prime, we were shot." Legion said.

"You followed me for two years?" I asked.

"Yes." Legion said.

"I never lost any N7 armor until the SR-1 was destroyed. Did you wait two years, with a gaping hole in your chest, and patch up the hole with my armor?" I asked.

"Yes." Legion said.

"Why?" I asked.

"There was a hole." Legion said.

"Why not use something that was available at the time?" I asked.

"Data not found." Legion said quietly.

I shrugged. "It's cool looking, for whatever reason you decided to add it onto you." I said.

I went to visit Jack as quietly as possible, being extra-careful on the stairs. My extra-care was for nothing, however, as I fell down the majority of the stairs.

"Shepard? What the hell did you say to the others?" Jack asked.

"Nothing." I said, getting up. Jack was way closer than I thought, and as soon as I stood straight she got rid of all room between us.

"Everyone is saying shit about how you're going to choose one of the girls, and how I might be your damn choice. I thought you didn't want anything from me!" Jack yelled.

"I don't." I said. "Tali and Miranda both like me, and Tali suddenly threw up the option to choose one of them. I don't want to hurt either of them, but I have to choose one of them."

Jack sat back on her bed and looked at me. I returned back to my usual spot leaning on the wall. "Have you thought about banging me?" Jack asked, breaking the silence.

"I'm trying to choose which girl accepts me for the blundering idiot I am. Or, at least, can put up with it." I said.

"I can." Jack said.

"You like me like that?" I asked.

"You never try to use me. You would've messed up and showed me that you were going to by now." Jack said. "And if you do use me, you're just another body."

"So...you trust me?" I asked hesitantly.

"As much as I can. And you're damn looking. When I first saw you I thought you were just some idiot looking out for an all-powerful bitch. Then, you start talking to me, and eventually see me cry, tuck me in, and kiss me on the head. No one's done that before, and I would never have let anyone do that to me. But I did." Jack looked at me. "I like you, Shepard."

"I...I like you to." I smiled. Jack didn't smile, but in her eyes there was some happiness, the kind that puts anyone who sees it in a good mood.

"Commander, we're on Omega." Joker said.

"See you soon, Jack." I said.

"Don't take all f*cking day." Jack said, and my small smile turned into a full-on ear-to-ear smile.

"So, I go in there, talk to Morinth, and you kill her?" I asked.

"She is an Ardat Yakshi. Do not get seduced, or she will kill you." Samara said. We'd found out what she liked-art, music, and danger. It'd be easy. Of course, in her apartment, it was freakin' scary. I thought Samara was going to shoot Morinth at Afterlife, but Samara didn't show, so I just went with Morinth, thinking 'any minute now, Samara is going to hop out and save me.'

"Way to go, Shepard. Seduce an asari who kills people by banging them and get locked in her damn apartment!" I muttered, then sat by Morinth. She sat on my lap, and her eyes went black.

"Are you ready for this?" She asked.

"Yes, lord and master." I said. I couldn't control myself. Samara walked into the room, smashing Morinth into the windows. I didn't catch what was said, but when Samara and Morinth were both locked in a biotic attack, both equals, I knew who I would choose.

"That ain't happenin', bitch!" I said, kicking Morinth in the stomach. Samara finished her off, and I asked her how she was doing, and we left.

Why the hell are women always attracted to me? The foolish charms are a gift and a curse.

I finished off the rest of the personal missions and bought the rest of the upgrades, but when the ship stopped working and we left on a shuttle to finish the last mission, I knew stuff was going down. When we came back and the ship was empty except for Joker, I had to know what the hell happened.

"The collectors took everyone!" Joker said.

"I think we should go and take them out, now." Jacob said.

"We should prepare more." Miranda said.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with Jacob. Let's get there." I said. When the room cleared out, three women came back.

"This is stupid, but you need to choose who you want to be with, Shepard. There's no more dodging." Miranda said.

"Why the f*ck am I here?" Jack asked.

"Okay. Whoever I don't choose, can we still be friends?" I asked. I wasn't stalling this time around.

"Yes." Tali said.

"Okay." Miranda said. I'd chosen, yes, but I was suddenly doubting my choice. On a limb, I decided to take it and run.

"I choose Jack!" I said quickly.

"What?" Both Tali and Miranda said in unison.

"You two acted crazy, and Jack was the only one acting sane." I said. "I'm sorry, but, y'know, I chose. Take it as you will."

"It-It's okay." Tali said. "I understand. This was kind of stupid, wasn't it?"

"Yes." Miranda said. Jack wasn't saying anything. Miranda and Tali walked out, both looking at me.

"Eh, Jack. You okay?" I asked, right before she jumped on me.


End file.
